Hello.
I know it may sound strange but as the months go by since losing my mum (twenty to be precise) I am learning more and more about myself as her daughter and what it meant for us to be together. Some of these lessons are pretty uncomfortable for me, but I do feel the need to share them, so in some way you too can learn from them too…
This month has been the month to learn…
How reliance disables you…
Yup. There I said it. As a powerful and determined woman of a certain age and standing I have created an amazing life full of adventures and challenges – because that is what I am ‘good’ at. Until my mum passed, I was unaware of the roles we both played in each others lives. My mum had a rough deal when she was younger, the eldest of three children, her mother suffered from post natal depression and tried unsuccessfully to over come this illness. Her father, distraught at losing his wife and how he could deal with this loss also decided to leave. Leaving mum and her two younger brothers.
If you ever had the wonder of meeting my mum, she was feisty and had a grown the ability to ‘get on with it’. No need to wonder how she managed that. After, she lost her parents, she was sent to boarding school and then chose to become a nurse – which she loved! She then met my father and within a few years had a family – the one she longed for. She needed us. And we loved her for it.
My lesson this month from losing and loving mum… was uncomfortable because it is as a result of the above that I became reliant on her as much as she was for me needing her. In her absence I have had to increase my own resilience. I have always been strong minded (got that from her) and determined (that too!) but the need for her was always there. She was my constant. She was always there and since she has passed it has been my new normal to be as fully me without her as I can. I do feel that this is my journey in life and although there have been days where I wallow and wail. It has been a daily connection with that this is ok to feel that loss and to grow from it. It has been the most painful part of not having her. She was always, always there. No matter what I threw – and believe me I did. She always found a way forward and I am grateful for that trait.
I continue to grow.
Because I was determined too… wonder how that happened…